if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
tell me about the eggs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
