careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
