im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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