Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
and you fell through a lawn chair
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
