FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
