All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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