Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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