wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
