I am spending my child support on dildos
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
