I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
