Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
