Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize