i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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