did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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