we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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