so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize