i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
