my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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