Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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