Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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