I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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