ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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