she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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