I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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