mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
