I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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