Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
