She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
