FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
