The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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