Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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