was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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