saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
