Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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