I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
