He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
