i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
How external is "for external use only"?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
