We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
