i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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