I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
