I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
