Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
