Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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