I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
