the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
