Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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