I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
