just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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