Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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