sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
