i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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