i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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