He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
