We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
