note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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