1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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