Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
