Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize