It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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