And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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