I want to walk on stilts...naked
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
