I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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